Where am I???

Keany?

As a kid I always have wondered in this body where am I?

It used to be mostly when I was in trouble for having not done my homework, or my mom yelling at me for emptying the whole overhead storage to water my darling plants. Always during this time, I used to be hurt, real hurt. Felt like everything is wrong, there used to be this strong feeling in me which brought this salty discharge in my eyes (thank you Sienfeld).So at this point of time I used look at my physical self and wondered which part of my body actually felt this pain. I always wished I was my nail, which I could cut off the next morning.
I used to look at myselft and wonder??? Is it my fingers which was feeling this pain? definitely I did not find me there. Legs??? no I did not find me there as well. How about my tummy? Thats where I feel my hunger, well No I did not see me there, hmm thinking to be smart guessed is it my heart? nope not there :( oH!!! mabbe my brain :)?? Nope!! did not feel like I was up there. Was it my eyes?? definitely not cause I closed it shut or mabbe my ears nope!! cause I could still hear these thoughts. So ultimately where am I?

I am 27 now and still wonder!! Sometimes when I am miserable I think of being my nose or eyes which just has to breathe and see. So that I don't get blamed for anything then. I mean think about it, have you heard anyone yelling at a nose saying,

Hey you NOSE !! You did a bad job. How could you??

PFfft!!!!! Silly

Well it kind of firms my thinking of not being either in the nose or eyes. So "THE I" that I talk about is probably the soul. Is this what is called soul searching, in my case in the literal sense I am searching for me in my body...

On similar grounds, I have also wondered,
Is the colour I see and the scent I smell same as the next person??

If a human body is a combination of some chemicals then why is one colour which I may like is not liked by another?
Why is it that a dress I like will not be liked by others?
Is it because the chemicals in my eyes see red colour as blue and these chemicals in another person see blue colour as yellow and red as green?

Who can vouch that what I see is the samething as what next person is seeing? These were the thoughts I had as a kid and I still seem to have it with no answers :(
So when a kid asks me these question, for which I haven't found my answers what am I going to reply?

S and me have spoken about this. Sometimes he links these things to hinduism. Saying these things are felt by other people as well and Hinduism is mostly about soul searching and attaining Nirvana. If thats true then I am a true hindu with questions. Now if these questions have been raised during those times then where are the answers?????

Stay at home WIVES. Why are we fat and frustrated?

Keany,

This post is all about newly wed Indian girls in US, who have had a busy life before i.e out of college - campus interview - BAM Job. Now they are married to this handsome husband, living in a strange country with strange people on a H4 VISA. They miss their family, friends yada yada in short their life. This is a phase which will last with that poor soul until she makes umpty number of friends or she develops various habits. Bottom line, lasts for quite some time :( Pah!!
I have a latest fetish towards the name Praneeta. And after various arguments with S, we decided we will not name our child Praneeta if its a girl. ( I am not accepting comments of how bad the name is, if you have anything good to say about the name, please be generous in telling me how.. Nope am not expecting yet!!!!!!!! and yes!! its too soon to plan for a baby name.. moving on!!)
So here we begin,
Me samay hu, ( Do you guys remember this??, Am sure you do. Its the way Mahabharat used to start or was it Ramayana? Hmm well definitely I am confused now :(.. Ok ok!! I know I ramble. Anyways,
Mae Roopa hu aur aap logon ko ek kahani sunaungi, ek ladki ka. Praneeta.. <- Transalating I am Roopa and would like to tell you a story about a girl named Praneeta.

Curtains seperate and voice over the mike says..

Praneeta was the bubbliest girl in her entire class. Everyone loved her, everyone wanted to be friends with her. She spoke with such zeal and zest that anyone could have been intimidated by her. She was pursuing her post graduation. It was not that she did extremely well in education, rather she was an above average student. But there was something about her. She was always taking part in Inter college events, college sports, Presentations and more. Everyday she was busy and happy. When her HOD said have you decided about your career. She with much ease says,

"I have Professor and I promise rather challenge you that I will bag the first campus interview that we get."

HOD studied her and gave a smile thinking she is definitely ambitious.

In came an American company promising great growth, travel to abroad, nice salary figures. And voila!!! she and her other friend bagged the interview with flying colours. It was her last semister, she had finished her exams just a few formalities to go but her Professor said, you shoud pursue your career these formalities can be done on weekends. She said good bye's to all her friends and wished them all luck. Packed her bag, dressed neat and was at work. There she was loaded with work, since she was good at it, more came in. Poor soul had to work late hours on a daily basis. This did not pull her down, because she used to look forward for weekends. With her newly attained emloyment came money, which she lovingly spared some to her family. Bought them gifts, showered herself with new dresses, weekend outings with her girl friends,pizza houses, long drives. Family saw how happy she was but thought she was missing something. A MAN IN HER LIFE.

Praneeta protested saying
"I am too young, I want enjoy my life for sometime. It has been always busy."

Parents suggested with marriage you can have more fun. After much attempted efforts, in vain she gave up and they started to look for a suitable Groom. In comes a well qualified, handsome, good abroad setteled groom. Parents really impressed with the guy look at Praneeta and say this is it. The missing man in your life. She quits her job to spend the remaining days she has before marriage with her parents, 2 weeks later she is married and in a country she has no idea about.
1st week is spent in jet lag, unpacking, travelling, shopping grocery etc and now its time for the groom to start his job. So early next morning he leaves to work by 9:00am and IT HAPPENS!!. She says her goodbyes at the door and closes it behind her. She is dressed, breakfast is all prepared. Now she wonder's what to do? So she calls her parents, friends everyone and looks at the clock 11:00. So she finishes her breakfast and cooks lunch and dinner and tidies the home. Looks at the clock 1:00. So she finishes her lunch alone, tidies again 1:23pm. So she thinks well, its been a long day and takes a short nap of 1 hour. So its 2:30PM. Watches some TV till 4:00. Now she loses steam and calls her loving husband of a week.

Ring ring!!
Praneeta: "Hi honey" in all excited tone.
Pratham : Hey baby( hushed voice).
Praneeta: Watcha doing?? still excited..
Pratham: Work.. hey listen, i'll come home and talk. Been a little busy at work. You know, we were on vacation and stuff.
Praneeta: Disappointed Oh!! I understand and hangs up.

tick tock tick tock.. tick tock

Praneeta: its 4:12 PM.. Why is the time not moving. Oh well let me go for a walk, no better not because who knows what will happen in this country..

So for nearly 4 hours she wait for her husband. Occasionally snacking, television, computer. Basically NOT MOVING. So days turn into weeks, calls to friends and family became less frequentt Computer becomes her best friend after televison.On computer all she does is blog about cooking. and read blogs about cooking. By cooking experimenting more food, eating with her other friend TV, idulging in more tasting and growing that thin waistline. From size 2 she moves to 4 to six and now a big fat one 8.
She visits new neighours next door, and they sit with snacks and coffee, after their chat Praneeta gets up to go when the neighbour yells behind her hey next time you come over, bring your younger brother as well. Also quick question, is he available??? I have this friend who is looking for her daughter Hmpff!!!! .
Poor Praneeta walks back home flustered after telling her that Pratham was her husband and frustrated at herself. So next day she decides to hit the gym and shed those pounds, but since they have just a single car, she has to wait for Pratham. In comes younger brother Pratham.

Praneeta : hey lets hit the Gym
Pratham: I am too tired after work, lets do it tomorrow.

As expected tommorrow turns to months to years.
No wonder why , stay at home wives are fat and frustrated. This is just one story I have seen. But there are upmty number of storied like this. Girls gear up. Study, do something with your life!!!
Oh Praneeta, I wish you all the best.

Food - Why did it get so important in my life now?

I never realised the "live to eat and eat to live" is becoming a big part of my life. I always thought that we need to eat to live. But today it became very evident that I do both "eat to live and live to eat". It never occurred to me that my lingo* "I do not want to limit myself" plays such an important part in my life. I did not limit myself to just live to eat, ran towards eat to live as well. I see myself rambling here. So let me continue with the story.

Its been 3 solid years in this country. Saw nature, its beautiful creations, met various people of different colour, height and weight, ate a lot of different culture food. But was never satisfied. Is there a little dude sitting in my head forcing me not to like other food. Thats how S would put it, called the Mental Blockage (MB). Well I asked MB to shut and sleep tight. But why still there is no taste in food. Thai supposedly is a fine lovely cuisine. Then what did I eat, there was no aroma rather a stench, weird taste made me think was it under cooked. And yes sir there are things other than coconut. So which Thai delicacy food are "people" reffering too? I did not find anything there. When my friends say, "Yea! people say Thai food is good" which people are they referring too? And what dish were they reffering??

There seems to be a silent race going on. I am a part of that race too. The race is which Indian girl will get accustomed to the other side of the world and how soon? I seem to be running a real slow race because accustomed is the finish line and I seem to have just taken the first step because I still smell nervousness in air and see that the finish line as a dot from where I stand. When I visit a non-Indian restuarant I am nervous, determine at the first glance that I won't like anything and to top it feel that all vegetarian dish would have swam through a bowl filled with chicken broth. (No offence , Non vegetarians) So I sit at the table looking at the silverware and glasses. A picture of a fat man all sweaty and tearing apart a bird which once had crowed him moring and night and using the silverware that sit in front of me. I quickly put that picture in an envelope and send it to someone in Japan. So after that horrid picture, I am quite shaken and wait for the food. Once it comes, S seems all happy and can't seem to control his excitement to devour into the feast and me am clouded with thoughts. Fat Man, silverware, vegetables smiling with chicken smeared layer at me, Napkin once wiped the outsides and insides of the fat man sit at my table all come with lightening speed. A trickle of sweat on my brow.. S says "does this not look delicious"!!!!!!!! . All I heard was "this", this thing which claims to be a delicious entree, a chef recommended, yes it deserves no exotic name a simpe THIS is fine. I manage a smile and pick up the silverware. The only rescue measure I have found out is to gobble the food and pretend am too hungry and try and manage to finish atleast 1/4th of the quantity. S looks disappointed at the remaining quantity. I pretend am too full, one more gulp and thats the puke button right there.
So after that eventful dinner, I sit in the car thinking about dinner and how disappointed always S feels. I look outside the window, its drizzling, people are holding hands and laughing. I presume they had a lovely dinner. Not a fussy as me. Thats when I realised I thought I shut MB, but infact I know now that I am MB. How did I become him?

Was there an alien abduction done on me. Change was never a problem. I loved pizza, I loved Rajasthani, I managed to love noodles. BUt why had things changed. Did earth jump an orbit, is he turning reverse now? What happened. Why was it so hard for me to accept different variety, different style. This sleep that I am in does not seem to be showing any signs of leaving. Where is my handsome prince who can kiss me out of this sleep? Where is a person who can help me shed this thick blanket off of me.

Yes!! I realise its me who should do that . For me, for my husband.

Pregunta Rapida (Quick Question) : Whats the longest time a person has taken to adjust here?

Lingo - In my dictionary means - a phrase you see using many times in your life.

Facebooker and Facebookee

Keany

To shed my pounds of burden on my shoulder I write. It write thinking an audience who are waiting with their hands held together, with anxious looking faces. Well I know that it would be just me reading this blog and feeling good or would be forcing my husband into it.

Anyways, my thought for today has been this bursting read ink just dying to feel on paper since many days now. Well as I have mentioned in my earlier blog that I facebook. When I facebook I maintain this decorum i.e I avoid making bad spellings, maintain friendship with only people who I think qualify to be my friend (not accepting friendship who I think to be too vulgar, cheap and more.. Pssst... I still managed to get over 190 friends.. any hoo) and most importantly I avoid making any kind of oblivious remarks. By that I mean I do not want to start a fight, call names etc. So Since I maintain this decorum [I think] I have a reputation. But here comes trouble, my friend lets name her Obli is so oblivious of the public platform goes rampaging on all her friends (including mine) with the name calling. Idiot, Stupid, loser and other lude remarks. Which my sensitiveself finds humiliating and amusing. Humiliating because of obviousness of the public platform. Amusing because does she not know, thats how she is projecting herself?? Does she even care?
This got me thinking, Am I superficial? Should I accept her as the way she is? Or do you have to maintain a decorum. What I see and think is it decorum? Who invented this decorum?
Well my mind is filled with arguments, some saying accept her and also change yourself, don't be so polished. Other saying decorum is the way of life. In a society, be a part of it. You are by yourself not an entity. And a third voice who I think got me confused even more. What I think decorum, is it me? Did I create that world? Or is it the person that I am? So if I have to be myself on facebook, will I remain polished? Like I think twice posting anything on her wall, thinking of the lude remarks from her as a reply. Do anyone think like that about me or people are fine with me?
What is it help??
Did I shed my pound now.. Agrrh No. Feels a lot heavier.

Thoughts.. Who has control over them

Keany,

How did they do it? How to control? Do they really have super powers? Or is it anyone can do. Mind as people have put it say has wings. It travels from subject to subject. Occasionally landing when someone jerks the hell out of you. So how did these Yogi's not think? It is umimaginable for me to think that a person does not think.

It was a new Sofa set that we got. I was admiring the comfort it gives along with the laziness it allows us to enjoy. The recliner tempted me to take long nap. But it was early in the morning and I had to pack lunch for both of us. So instead of a nap I decided to laze for just ten more minutes on our new burgandy couch. As I covered myself with the throw on with the recliner stretched I thought. Oh God let this moment last forever. As I slept there thinking of my relaxed body, relaxed state of mind, no noise of TV or ugly neighbours. I thought the usual "Can we just freeze time".

So it started.

Time. I heard the other day on CNN that an average mortality rate in US is 80. So if I am in US till I die, then I have 53 more years to go. That scared the hell out of me. What the hell will I do for 53 more years. I had plan to quit working around 45 and lead a retired life after that. So essentially I have 35 more years of nothingness to look forward to after retirement. So suffice my retirement period I have to make all the money I can in these 18 years, cause so far I have saved none. And here I thought I was too young to even think about oldage. So my prime working age is going to be increased to 60 the pre-set government retirement age. So I have 20 years to look for retirement. Which means I have 33 more years to work. SIGH!!!!!

hmmm disappointed I shrugged the thought off and looked at this Medicine bottle sitting on top of my table. It had bunch of chemicals as ingredients. Which made me think, I am just a combination of Mg, K, Fe and more. I myself was a chemistry lab. So I have been sitting out since 27 years. The thought itself was disgusting. Come to think of it, we say houses are too old when they are 25-30 years old,paintings are considered ancient then why am I still considered young?. People are you kidding with me?.

An itch brought me back to life. It was the itch of a waxing gone bad. An amatuer beatician waxed all the hair and some Mg, K, FE etc off my skin too. So I am covered in rashes and I think, who said that only women have to have smooth skin. Infact women have less hair than men. Should it not be otherway around. Men have a lot of hair should they not be waxing? Why doesn't anyone say this in golden words.

Golden words. Who invented that silly "Golden words cannot be repeated". So you mined for gold, carved out the letters and now when I ask for it you can't create it. Is it how it goes? This did not make its mark on me. I am never going to use this phrase. Oh!! did u ask what?? Please I can't say.. "Golden words cannot be repeated". Nope. def tried it again. But definitely stinks. So how much is gold nowadays? I definitely don't like gold jewellry. On the otherhand

Mom-in-law loves jewellry. S keeps teasing mom-in-law that she is the most important customer for her Jeweller. Talking about jeweller's. My home (parent's) was 5 minute away from a jeweller. Oh!! the massive fireworks he used to burst during diwali. it used to be night times, air was filled with gun powder and noise of happy people bursting crackers and laughing and smiling. Roads used to be filled with people adorned in brand new dresses, nicely done hair. Oh the festivities in India.

Now I miss India, first thing I think about is my mom and dad. Our lovely home of 4. Contented and happy. My garden, my beatiful mango tree, my beautiful guava trees, my beautiful flowers, its first bud. Mummy plucking them to adorne her hair and god. I had full liberty to maintain my garden. Beautiful childhood. Miss my friends and the games we played ice-spice, kunta bille, joota aata, mane aata. Now I don't even know how my childhood friends look anymore. I tried to search them on facebook. Found few but did not find many.

Noise of door opening, S finished his bath. I check the time its been almost half an hour since I sat to laze.

See I have no control over my thoughts. How do they do it??. My thoughts just don't have wings, they go at a the speed of light.